


I wish i could stop loving you, but i can't and i don't want to anyway.

by Mrs_Nicole



Series: Nicole/Charon/Hancock Adventures [1]
Category: Fallout 3
Genre: F/M, Love, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6541075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Nicole/pseuds/Mrs_Nicole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love can make you sad, but love can make you happy too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wish i could stop loving you, but i can't and i don't want to anyway.

We had a fight. I thought that finally freeing him from his contract would make him happy, but instead he was fuming with anger. He paced the house, growling and clutching his fists, trying his best to keep calm, but he couldn't contain it.

"Don't you know how dangerous I could be to you now? I'm a monster, a trained killer! It's all I know!"

He shook his head, his mouth set in a grim line, but his eyes held worry. Worry because he was truly afraid he might hurt me, and because he didn't know how to be free. I watched anxiously as he drowned in panic and fright, bewailing the loss of his shackles. He couldn't handle his newfound independence, the idea of liberation or the changes it incurred. He was set in his ways, conditioned to obey only one law, and now that law was embers.

In his fury he reefed open the door and slammed it shut, disappearing into the daylight. He never looked back, not even once, and I just stood there, completely dumbfounded. I tried to fight it but my eyes began to tear up, and before I knew it I was crying so hard I felt my whole body shake. It was in that moment that I realized how much he mattered to me. I knew in my heart that I loved him, loved him with every fibre of my being, and I didn't know what to do about it.

I forced myself up the stairs sometime later, still upset. I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I went to bed, hoping tomorrow would bring _something_. I didn't know what, but I couldn't stand crying anymore. I had to think positively. I had to believe everything would work out for the better. With a shivering breath, I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep. I found myself tossing and turning, my mind racing with fear, anguish, and regret. I kept tormenting myself with questions I knew I couldn't answer, but I couldn't help it. Would I ever see Charon again? Was he okay? Did he hate me? Was this truly the end?

I fell asleep several hours later, when the sun began to set.

***

Days passed without Charon's return, and after two weeks of waiting, I realized he never would. I shouldn't have been surprised-- everyone I loved left me eventually-- but this time the pain festered. It was worse. It was excruciating.

Eventually I decided to leave as well. DC had nothing left for me. Everyone had clean water and the Brotherhood was thriving, but the only reason I stayed was for my friends. Like Charon, though, most of them had moved on to better places. They either travelled to other cities or, like so many others, the Wasteland claimed their lives.

To prepare for my trip, I sold everything I owned, keeping only what I deemed necessary. I couldn't decide between Vegas or the Commonwealth, but regardless, I knew it was time to go. I sold my house to Gob and Nova; the only friends I had left, knowing they could use the space. Hearing my plans to leave sparked a concern in both of them, and they quickly asked what happened to Charon.

"I burned his contract," I replied, shaking my head. "I burned it and he ran off. I guess it made him angry."

I tried to shrug it off, as if it didn't bother me, but my eyes filled with sadness. A sadness so obvious that Gob and Nova dropped the subject immediately. They could see the pain it caused me and they didn't want to press it. Instead they hugged me tight, told me to be careful, and asked me to visit whenever I could. I told them I would, told them what they needed to hear, but it was all lies. Megaton brought me nothing but pain and reminded me of everything I'd lost. I had no intention of coming back. Ever. I couldn't imagine my life without Charon, and to be honest, a small part of me hoped I'd never reach my destination.

***

Two weeks later I found myself halfway to Vegas, but abruptly I changed my mind and headed for the Commonwealth instead. I wasn't sure why. I couldn't explain my decision, but a certain feeling of emptiness and longing kept me on my feet. I was hungry and tired, but that tiny glimmer of hope made me believe that if I kept going, I'd eventually find him. I'd eventually see him standing on the horizon, waiting for me, but it never happened.

After another week of travel I gave up. I knew I would never see him again and I didn't care to continue. All I wanted to do was rest. Luckily, I found an old military building just off the side of the road. I searched it carefully and was relieved to find that it was completely vacant. No monsters, no men. Thank God, because I wasn't in the mood to deal with any of that shit.

Exhausted, I scoured the main hall. There were a few tables and chairs pushed up against the walls, and a very old and worn couch in the back of the room. It was liveable. With a shrug, I closed the door behind me and locked it tight, but doing so cut off the main light source. The room quickly went pitch black, so I used my Pip-Boy to find my way.

On the verge of collapse I dragged myself to the old couch, walked around it, and slumped down on the floor. With a sigh, I slipped my pack off my shoulder and leaned back against the couch, my head spinning. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. Wandering around aimlessly, with no destination in mind. I missed Charon. I missed him so much. My heart felt like it was going to break all over again. Falling in love with my own bodyguard was clearly a mistake, and even worse, I _bought_ him. He was a _slave_ and a _ghoul_ on top of it.

But I couldn't help it. It just happened. Barely three months after he joined my company I fell for him, and I fell hard. I kept it to myself at first, but as time dragged on it became more and more difficult to hide my feelings.

One day, just when it nearly drove me to the edge, I took notice of something odd. I had almost told him the truth-- that I loved him-- but I stopped when he gave me a very peculiar look. I'd never seen it before. It was new and very unlike him, and it greatly piqued my interest. After a few days of that strange look I was dying for answers, but every time I came close to asking I copped out and kept my mouth shut. This went on for weeks before I finally cracked, and the moment we got home I closed the door and turned to him with a serious glower.

"What are those looks for?" I squeaked, my patience thinning. "Don't think I haven't noticed. You keep ... _staring_ at me. Like you have something to say but you never say it!"

Hearing the desperation in my voice, Charon stopped, but he didn't respond. He remained silent as he laid his pack on the floor, gently slipping the strap down his arm. He kept his back turned for what seemed like forever, but I waited. I had already waited weeks. What was a few more seconds?

When he finally turned, I wasn't prepared for the look on his face; nor was I prepared for him to stride over and stop several inches away from me. He looked nervous, and for a moment I thought my mind was playing tricks. I stared up at him, gulping and blushing at how close he suddenly stood. His blue eyes filled with an emotion I never thought I'd see, an emotion that mirrored in my own eyes.

Love.

I don't know how long we stared at each other, but eventually something snapped, and before I knew it my back was up against the wall. My legs wrapped around his waist, my arms around his neck, and my tongue pressed into his mouth as I kissed him with all the pent up feelings I'd been hiding for months.

Charon's feelings were clear as well. We couldn't get enough of each other. His body pushed into mine, in the best possible way, and held me tight. Slowly, I began to grind into him; not enough to submit but just enough to feel how much he needed me, and God did he _need_ me. With a smile, I leaned in, pressing my cheek against his.

"I want you," I whispered. "Take me to the bedroom so I can show you how much."

I gave his ear a small nibble before pulling back, and to that I heard him moan. I wasn't sure if it was my words or actions that caused it, but the look on his face gave me the answer: it was both. I had never felt so loved, so desired, and I think he could sense that. With a keen rumble, he spun around and carried me up the stairs, closing the door behind us.

***

We didn't leave that room for days, taking time to enjoy the new side of our relationship. It was everything I wanted and more. Charon was understandably nervous about it, but he said he was happy to try. I longed to tell him how much I loved him, but I didn't want to rush things, so I settled for telling him how much I cared.

"Don't know why you picked _me_ to care about," he smirked, adjusting his collar. "But I'm not gonna complain about it. I care about you, too. And _not_ because of the contract."

I smiled and kissed him deeply, which turned into a passionate make out. By the time we worked up the motivation to leave, two days had passed and we couldn't have been happier. We spent the rest of the day cleaning and fixing our weapons, and I watched with a smile as he shined his knives. He took notice and smiled back, meeting my expressions, but he didn't realize something was bothering me. I never said anything, but I couldn't get the idea out of my head.

I wanted to burn his contract.

It wasn't fair and I hated owning him. I wanted him to be free. _Truly_ free, to do whatever he liked. Maybe then we'd be able to plan a future, without his contract acting as a wall between us, but I had to wait for the right moment. He couldn't be around. If he saw me trying to destroy his contract, he'd be overwhelmed by his brainwashing and likely try to kill me. I knew he would hate himself forever if that happened, so I waited another week, biding my time.

In the morning I woke up before him and slowly creped out of the room, happy to see him finally sleeping through the night. Quietly, I slipped on my old, tattered bathrobe and grabbed the contract out of my pack, then quickly made my way outside. When safely out of sight, I ran down the metal slope and out of the Megaton gates. As soon as I was through, I took the contract and a lighter out of my pocket and placed the raggedy page on the ground. Then, with a sigh, I flicked the lighter to life and watched as the contract slowly burned before my eyes.

When it was nothing but ash in the dirt I took a deep breath-- I didn't even realize I was holding it-- and headed back inside. Feeling a sense of fear and accomplishment, I ran back to the house in long strides, wanting nothing more than to see Charon. I knew he was still in bed, but it didn't matter. I opened the door as silently as I could and leaned against it, sighing with relief when I realized he hadn't yet woken. It was over. The contract was gone and Charon was finally free.

With a proud hum, I skipped to the kitchen to start breakfast, but just as I was about to open the fridge I heard the bedroom door creak open. I looked up with a smile, ready to greet Charon with a morning chant, but the words died in my throat the second I saw his face. My smile faded as I senselessly asked what was wrong. I don't know _why_ I asked. I knew _exactly_ what was wrong. Somehow he figured out what I had done, but we played through the motions anyway.

"What did you _do_?" he roared, rushing down the stairs with a snarl.

I knew there was no point in lying, so I told him everything. How I burned his contract. How what happened to him was terrible. How it wasn't right for people to treat him like a machine, a weapon, a tool-- a _slave_. He didn't speak once during my rant, and when I finished he just stared at me, his face void of the happiness I hoped he'd experience. Instead, what he said left me sad and confused.

"Don't you know how dangerous I could be to you now? I'm a monster, a trained killer! It's all I know!"

Then, in a flash, he disappeared from my life.

***

I didn't regret falling in love with Charon. Not at all. My only regret, as I sat there in that old military building, staring at the wall, was that I never went after him. I should have fought for him to stay, or talk to me, or _something_ , but I didn't and it landed me all alone. No father, no friends, no home, and no _him_. If I were a braver person maybe I'd have put a bullet between my eyes then and there; but I couldn't, so I rolled out my bedroll, climbed in, and cried myself to sleep.

The seconds turned into minutes, the minutes into hours, the hours into days. I had no food left, but I refused to leave my little spot behind the couch. It was the only place I felt safe. The only place I felt welcome. I either spent my time sleeping or crying, and wishing I could feel something other than heartache.

On the third day I heard sounds outside the building, but I knew I wasn't in any shape to fight. Quietly, I glanced over to my pack, wondering if I had adequate supplies. Much to my dismay, all I had left was my 10mm and a handful of bullets. I knew that wouldn't do anything to protect me, but at that moment I had an epiphany. Did I really care?

With a shrug, I hunched back down and tried to sleep. I could see under the couch a bit, and I could tell that whoever it was was lighting a campfire. That was a bad sign-- it meant he planned to stay. With a frown, I focussed on the footsteps, trying to discern how many people were actually out there. It only sounded like one, but I couldn't be sure. With a hushed sigh, I rolled over, closing my eyes and hugging my cover. Maybe everything would be alright. Maybe he'd leave in the morning. Maybe he was just a simple traveller, same as me, or a merchant looking for some patrons.

"Yeah right," I whispered under my breath. "I'm not that lucky."

***

The next day I thanked God that I locked the door, because whoever it was tried to get in. No doubt he was looking for loot, but he wouldn't find any here. My blood raced as he jiggled the handle, determined to break in, but he soon gave up and headed back to his makeshift camp. With him gone, I peek over the couch and looked through a small hole in the wall, and that was when I saw him. Only one person, sure, but he was _huge_. Muscle-bound and easily surpassing six feet. I knew from his silhouette alone that I was no match for him, and that getting caught would be a death sentence.

Frantic, I tried to come up with a plan, a means of escape. After all, I couldn't stay hidden forever, could I? I pressed my forehead against the couch, my hands shaking. I didn't know what to do. For the past two days I had no food, no water, very little bullets and no destination in mind. I bit my lip, trying my best not to cry, but the fear and solitude made it difficult. I wrestled with my thoughts and emotions, and for a moment I actually considered walking out and begging him to kill me. I wanted to throw myself at his feet, head hung low and ready for death. I didn't want to hide anymore. It was a game I knew I couldn't win, and I couldn't help but feel like no one would miss me.

Still, something kept me inside, away from danger. I'm not sure what it was, but it made me feel ashamed of all my self-loathing. With a whimper, I hunched back down behind the couch and started to cry. I cried for my mother, my father, and most of all, I cried for _him_. The pain was horrible, but I realized there were still people out there who cared about me. Gob and Nova, my only friends left in the world. My last words to them were lies, but they didn't have to be. How could I have been so selfish?

In my sorrow, I decided to take my chances and head back to DC. I wanted to get away; it held so many memories I wanted to forget, but I was a fool for thinking I could outrun heartache. No matter where I ended up, the pain would be the same, but Megaton was the only home I'd ever known and I was always welcome there. If I was going to suffer, I realized it was better to suffer with my friends at my side. My friends, who would lend me their hands and help me every step of the way. Who asked me to stay and begged me to return. Who I _never_ should have left in the first place.

That was it. I had to go home. I had to see them. No matter what, I didn't want to die alone.

***

Dawn came quicker than I expected, and a knot twisted in my stomach as I realized how terrible my plan was. I knew the likelihood of slipping away unnoticed was slim, but I had no choice. I _had_ to leave. With a starved gulp, I reached into my pack and pulled out the closet thing I had to food. Six mentats. It wasn't much, but as I chewed and swallowed I hoped it would be enough to get me somewhere safe. Somewhere I could buy ammo and supplies for my trip back to DC.

I was still hungry, but the chems kicked in quickly and significantly raised my perception. I hoped it would be enough to get me past however was outside, but I knew I still had to keep an eye out. I couldn't wholeheartedly depend on drugs, not in a situation such as this. Carefully, I peeked over the couch and out through the hole, trying to get my bearings. I couldn't see him and I couldn't hear him, but I wasn't ready to celebrate just yet. I knew he could still be there, despite my prayers that he wasn't.

"Again," I coughed, my mouth dry from thirst. "I'm not that lucky."

Finding my drive, I slowly pushed myself to my feet, my legs stiff and sore from days of neglect. Once I rolled out the kinks in my joints, I grabbed my pack and gradually made my way to the door, where I peered out the window beside it. It was covered in gunk and practically obscure, but the spaces I could see out of showed nothing but wasteland. I waited, watched, and listened, but the man never came back. Confident it was safe, I clutched the knob and unlocked the door as silently as I could, then opened it slightly and popped my head through the crack. Once again, all I could see was desert and rotted trees.

Lulling myself into a false sense of security, I fled the building and headed for the road. I wasn't sure what time it was, or even what day, so I looked down at my Pip-Boy as I walked. That's when I heard a gun cock. My knees nearly caved at the horrible click. I knew I was dead, it was just a matter of time. I cringed, feeling the muzzle push into my back as the man ordered me not to move, and I didn't, proving my willingness to comply. My eyes squinted shut when he ripped my pack from my shoulders and tossed it aside.

"Take off your Pip-Boy," he laughed, his voice sending chills up my spine.

I did as asked and unbuckled the clips, removing it from my arm. Putting my hands up, I handed it back to him, hoping it was all he wanted, but to my surprise he tossed it aside like the pack. Tears welled in my eyes as I felt him move closer, jamming the gun into my skin. It hurt, but not as much as his next words.

"Take off your clothes," he spit, his mouth hovering next to my ear.

I knew that was what he wanted, but it was something I would never give. I'd rather die. I swallowed the scream rising in my throat and prepared to make a move. I knew it was dangerous, I knew it would probably kill me, but I figured it was better than the alternative. He wasn't going to have me. He couldn't.

"Take off your clothes!" he yelled again, this time with more force behind his words.

That was the last of it. I didn't want to hear that disgusting demand again. As I closed my eyes, I swore I saw something in the distance, but it didn't matter. I decided it was just in my head-- just some unwarranted piece of hope that someone might save me, but I was alone. I knew that well enough. No one was coming to save me, so I had to save myself. I thought of Charon, of Nova and Gob, and mourned the fact that I may never see them again.

Then I took a breath and spun around, catching my attacker off guard. I grabbed his gun, trying to pry it from his hand, but he held on with a strength that made me tremble. We kicked up sand, both of us fighting for control and dodging the barrel just in case it went off. As I clawed at his neck, a sudden sharp pain priced my stomach and sent me flying back, wheezing and gasping for air. He was so fast, I didn't even noticed he hit me. I went down hard, trying to catch my breath, but before I could even think he was on top of me, grabbing a fistful of my hair and yanking me to my knees. I cried out, grabbing his hands and trying to pull myself free, but it was useless.

"You're gonna regret that little move, bitch!"

I couldn't even open my mouth before he slammed my face back into the dirt and rolled me over. Hacking, still trying to fill my lungs, I saw him reach for his belt and unbuckle the clasp. I felt sick. I knew I couldn't let him win, so in desperation I grabbed a handful of sand and shoved it into his eyes. A high-pitch shriek filled the air as the man held his face and dropped his gun. He jerked back violently, cursing and barking threats, but all I could focus on was the gun. I scrambled to my knees and dove for it with a loud grunt, making contact just as the man's foot connect with my face. The blow was painful and powerful, throwing me back to the ground and nearly knocking me unconscious; but I had the gun and I pointed it towards him, my hands shaking. Everything was blurry and I couldn't make out where he was, and he must have known because he fought me again, grabbing my wrist with one hand and pulling at the gun with the other.

I cried out, trying to keep control and reaching for the trigger, but his hand was too big and it blocked my access. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I felt the Mentats wane, leaving me weaker and weaker, and that's when I knew I had lost. My body shuddered as I heard more footsteps rush towards us, and I wailed, realizing he had friends.

I was sure it was over. I was going to die and he and his friends were going to have their way, but in a strange turn of events I heard the sound of a shotgun. The blast was so loud it made me jump, exhausting the last of my strength. It soaked me in blood and paralysed my soul, and I thought for sure I'd been killed, but a quick glance made me realize the shot had hit my attacker. My pupils narrowed as I realized half of his head was gone and his body was seizing. With a gurgle, he fell sideways next to me and mumbled some incoherent threats. I wish I could say I watched the life drain from his eyes, but my vision was so impaired that I barely saw him take his final breath.

"Nicole!"

I heard a voice echo in my mind, but it was just my imagination. I recognized it and I wanted it to be true, but I knew it couldn't be. It just couldn't. My eyelids started to flutter as I faded away, and I couldn't have been happier about it. I was cold and tired and in so much pain. I just wanted it to end.

"Hang on, Nicole! Stay awake!" There it was again. That voice I knew so well. But it couldn't be him, could it?

I felt something lightly shake my arms, then a stinging prick at my side. Was it a stimpack? I couldn't be sure, but I was far too faded to care. I couldn't keep my eyes open. All I wanted to do was sleep. My body felt heavy, like it could sink into the sand, and maybe that's what I wanted. With a weak sigh, I closed my eyes and slipped away, hearing the voice in my dreams.

"Don't leave me!" it begged, as if grieving. "I'm sorry, I never should have left. Please, Nicole ... _please don't die_!" 

***

My eyes shot open and I jumped up, feeling two blankets slide down my chest. I felt dizzy and my head still hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my side. I grunted loudly, holding the spot and doing nothing when two hands tenderly laid me back down. Down on the ratty old couch I had been hiding behind for days. My eyes slowly adjusted to my surroundings as I felt more pricks pierce my skin, and this time I knew they were stimpacks. I winced loudly as I realized the pain in my stomach was that of a gunshot wound, and that I must have been hit during my fight.

But who was taking care of me? 

I rubbed my eyes and stared up at the icy blues I had missed so much. It was Charon! He was really there, staring right back at me with a look of worry and concern. Seeing him filled me with so much joy that I couldn't help but reach out and caress the side of his face. He responded in kind, nuzzling into my palm and placing his hand over mine. He closed his eyes briefly, choking back a sob and taking a breath.

"I'm so sorry I left you," he said, his voice husky. "I never should have done it."

It was then that I realized it wasn't a dream. I didn't die and he was right beside me, tending to my wounds. I felt my lip quiver, trying to contain my happiness. I should have been angry-- I had every right to be-- but when he looked at me a second time, his eyes damp, I knew I'd already forgiven him. I'd been given a second chance and I wasn't going to waste it.

"It's okay," I wisped. "You're here now. That's all that matters." I could tell he wanted to apologize again, but I put my finger on his mouth with a smile. "I've missed you so much. Kiss me, Charon."

He didn't hesitate. With a sniff, he crouched down and placed a soft kiss on my lips. As he cupped the side of my face, he began stroking my cheek with his thumb, careful to avoid my bruises. As he persisted, we deepened the kiss just a little, filling it with the promise of better days and the vow that we would never be alone or apart again.

"I love you so much, Charon," I said, pulling away with tears in my eyes.

To that, he smiled that biggest smile I had ever seen. I wasn't used to it, but it was a look I absolutely adored. A look of hope, of devotion, of _freedom_.

"I love you too, Nicole. More than you'll ever know."

He whispered next to my ear, giving me tingles, and when he backed away I couldn't help but grab his collar and pull him down for another kiss. He obliged, pressing his body into mine but carefully avoiding my injuries. In that moment, it felt like we were back in Megaton. Back in my room where we spent days making love and holding each other from dawn to dusk. A tear rolled down my cheek as I realized there were more of those days to come. I thought they were over, but they had only just begun.

Life may not have always been perfect or kind, but I knew that as long as I had his love, I would be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, let me know how you liked it.  
> This story is part 1 of this series, the wedding is part 2.


End file.
